medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
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*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Love this guy
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.