[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no