the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
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In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”