@DirtyMelodies

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

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@MartaEffing

Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.

AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.

@stanleybehrman

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

@StephenBCramer

Nana’s house is getting real bad, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.

@0point5twins

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

@FriedWords

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

@bvb1123

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

@Bearslietoo

A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.

@browneyegirl9

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.