Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.
AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
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I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Nana’s house is getting real bad, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.