Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

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Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.

AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.


I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.


Nana’s house is getting real bad, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.


– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn


I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.


My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.


A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.


If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.