Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
You Might Also Like
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“I want u so badly” – Scrabble players with a q in their rack.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
– hipster sheep
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Man at garage: “Are you claiming this off your own insurance?” Me: “Yes. I don’t think the deer I hit had any insurance.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?
DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.