[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

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Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)


Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆


“I want u so badly” – Scrabble players with a q in their rack.


I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.


[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly


Man at garage: “Are you claiming this off your own insurance?” Me: “Yes. I don’t think the deer I hit had any insurance.”


If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.


[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis


I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.