[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
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Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib