Meeeee too!
You Might Also Like
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Wait a minute
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Well well well…
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance