@Bexdora

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

You Might Also Like

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

@PeachyPixel8

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

@mompsychologist

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

@TheAlexNevil

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

@headstrong_girl

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

@onascaleof1210

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

@jarry

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

@murrman5

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

@timdonakowski

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.