Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
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[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Just got to our Airbnb!
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.