I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
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You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.