Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
You Might Also Like
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
there has never been a better use of this meme
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO