“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
asking santa clause for nudes
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second