Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.

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COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it


My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.


My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking


Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you’re just grateful they’re not yours.


Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
Me: Hi


A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE


First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming


*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert


alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”