@juliussharpe

Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.

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@fro_vo

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

@One_FineMess

My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.

@elisemarie91

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

@KKAlThani

Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you’re just grateful they’re not yours.

@jjhartinger

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

@TragicAllyHere

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

@craiguito

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

@ClichedOut

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

@li4mst3w4rt

alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”