I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Bread puns are on the rise!
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.