COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.
You Might Also Like
My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you’re just grateful they’re not yours.
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
*opens new beer
*finds old beer
*drinks 2 beers
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”