@juliussharpe

Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.

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@BabetteJones

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

@NotEthanSmith_

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

@mommajessiec

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

@jjlob7

I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands. :/

@CakeThrottle

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

@SteveKoehler22

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

@primawesome

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.