Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
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#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*