My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
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While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?