[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
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My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.