[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Oh yeah that’s it
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”