@Brampersandon_

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

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@ZackBornstein

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

@theprojectclub

Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?”

“Because your mum loves Easter and it’s an anagram of Easter”

“Thanks dad”
“No problem Alan”

@djdarrellripley

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

@Slygirl08

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

@AmishPornStar1

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

@Reverend_Scott

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

@BradBroaddus

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.