[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
You Might Also Like
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.