*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
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*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My minivan is always rocking, but it’s usually because I’m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
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No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it