[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
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Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.