Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
become ungovernable
Breaking news:
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev