[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
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Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
ugh not again
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.