meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.