[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
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You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?