[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
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Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
🐕🍷
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”