[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are