My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
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Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I can fix him.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING