[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
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former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
When he asks for feet pics
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.