I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
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Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it’s on his ring finger, he’s married. If it’s not, he’s a guy who wears rings.
Pilot: This is a bad idea
There is no “i” in “stupid.”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs…by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.