psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
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At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Everyone in horror movies:
It was probably just the wind
*a ghost flies across room*
Just the wind
*dog gets cut in half*
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?
DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Brain: Go talk to her.
“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*