The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
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[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?