Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
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a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
When news reporters do sports stories
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Yup
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.