@UniqueDude2

[Meeting girlfriend’s parents]
Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks!
<Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>

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@PleaseBeGneiss

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

@philandher96

Trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn’t get the spatula in the divorce.

@bigmacher

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

@ianpauldukes

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

@whalesmells

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

@GrantTanaka

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

@DanMentos

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

@imadepoopstoday

“Pull my hair, slap me, call me dirty names” – WTF? I’ve been doing this since kindergarten and always got yelled at.