ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
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I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.