Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
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Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Holy crap this is wonderful
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.