[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
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modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”