Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
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The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.