[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
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Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…