[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
You Might Also Like
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again