Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
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If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.