*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes