*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
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My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Mhm.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial