I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I put the mess in domestic.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry