[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
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Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.