[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
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6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
What about second breakfast?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for