(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
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I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.