Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
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A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
the battle rages on
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Sell your car
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut