[meeting to name the brownie]
“How about baked chocolate cake?”
“Yummy choccy bake?”
Guy who named the orange: I have an idea…

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I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.


AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine


As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks


Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.


Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween…I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.


Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.


If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take


*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying


*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”


“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”