@jazmasta

[meeting to name the brownie]
“How about baked chocolate cake?”
“Nah”
“Yummy choccy bake?”
“No”
Guy who named the orange: I have an idea…

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@Paxochka

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

@geekysteven

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

@ReticentTurnip

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

@jimmytorosian

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

@DarthSteveus

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween…I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@iinkedZombie

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

@bighandsmassuer

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

@envydatropic

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

@sarcasm_inc

*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”

@milkin_hunnies

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”