[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
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Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Cause of death: Zumba
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.