[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome]

well hello there mister home wrecker

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Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.


FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don


Helpful tip: If you throw a baby at a tiger, I only recommend throwing a baby that you don’t like.


Some people hear voices..

Some see invisible people..

Others have no imagination whatsoever.


Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick


A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.


Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.


My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.


My desires are… unconventional. (Hands you a phone and makes you call my boss and quit my job for me)