@trojansauce

[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome]

well hello there mister home wrecker

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@yonewt

Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.

@Home_Halfway

FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don

@CelebrityChez

Helpful tip: If you throw a baby at a tiger, I only recommend throwing a baby that you don’t like.

@iGreenMonk

Some people hear voices..

Some see invisible people..

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

@419BillE

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

@CanadianBeave13

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

@ParasiteHilton

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

@byrdie_num_num

My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My desires are… unconventional. (Hands you a phone and makes you call my boss and quit my job for me)