Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
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Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.