Time for evil
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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*