*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Breaking news:
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater