[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
The French cow says MEUX…
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
🤣😈🤣
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies