[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
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Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA