[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms