[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star