Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
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Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
If only
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.